Further and continued bemoaning of this past Saturday

As alluded to in my previous post re: tOSU and, briefly, Notre Dame's demolition of Penn State, Saturday was not a good day for the Big Ten.

Let's have a rundown shall we?

Minnesota @ California

I watched this game for about the first half before tuning into the OSU-UT tilt. What I saw of it, was the California Golden Bears awakening from their hibernation -get it? bears? they hibernate- and waking up to find a bottom of the middle of the pack Big Ten team in front of their den/cave/domicile-keeping with the awakening bear metaphor here people- and the Bears were ever so pissed off. Coach Mason would be better served to continue piling on the cupcakes in the pre-conference schedule after this botched experiment. Highlight of the Game Marshawn Lynch "Zidane-ing" a hapless Gopher defender. Very well done and completely worth the penalty.

Metaphorically speaking the Golden Gophers stumbled upon a very angry grizzly bear right after awakening from hibernation. But instead of having the knife they had a broken spork.

New Hampshire @ Northwestern Congrats to New Hampshire, I despise Northwestern and could not be more thrilled that NW lost at home to a D 1AA. Presumably, Walker would've cajoled a victory outta this gang, but according to ESPN.com's scoreboard New Hampshire was playing offense for both teams, no wonder they won! Please, nobody, tell Dan Shanoff about this.

And then there was the victory that almost wasn't for Iowa. My chosen team, the predicted Big Ten Champion and National Title contender struggling in overtime against a vastly underwhelming Syracuse team. Yep, no Drew Tate was a big problem - please, God, let Drew heal rapidly. - Manson, Iowa's "backup" QB was a disaster throwing 4 interceptions and allowing that Syracuse squad to stick around. I want very badly to give Iowa the benefit of the doubt: untried backup QB + hostile, noisy, domed arena / a very green linebacking corp. and secondary = strife and struggle, but my faith in Iowa has been shaken to the core.
Iowa and Cap'n Kirk realized the meaningless of their lives upon sruggling with Syracuse.

Sunday Afternoon Update

Dude, I was protecting our rep!

Columbus, Ohio which has always in victory or defeat been the epitome of class and dignity is on fire following Ohio State's win in Austin, Texas against the University of Texas. Shocking news, just shocking!

In Columbus? We've got trouble with a capital 'T,' that stands for C, which stands for Couch, Burning.

Tressel: Man, I got my swag!

Well, last night was pretty awesome around these parts for Captain Rustbelt. After a difficult week of saying good-bye to one of the biggest tOSU fans he's ever known, THE Ohio State University took care of their business in a most professional fashion. The Buckeyes, for one week at least, answered all questions about their pre-season ranking as a consensus numero uno and the much doubted tOSU defense played incredibly well against an increasingly dangerous Texas offense. I don't want to gush too much about how good tOSU looked. BUT the defense after being hoodwinked by a crafty UT, option dominated running attack for the first quarter, settled down and clamped the fuck down on the 'Horns. McMcoy looked alright but couldn't seem to grasp the fundamental football concept of throwing the ball to your best receiver (Sweed, Limas) who, incidentally, was making tOSU's best cover man, Jenkins, Malcom, look pedestrian all night long. Time will tell the tale, but, UT's offense looked pretty jacked up for having an extra from 'Malcom in the Middle' under center. From what I can tell, the Longhorns O could be considered Tropical Storm Whup Ass and should be upgraded to Hurricane Whup Ass any week now.

The rest of the Big 12 would do well to steer clear of Hurricane Whup Ass.

Regarding the Bucks offense there really is not a whole lot to be said. Ninja receiver Anthony Gonzalez, who, heretofore, had been viewed as a "possession receiver" showed everyone why doubling up on Ginn is a Bad Idea. Ted showed why it's always a Bad Idea to let him anywhere near the ball, if you're the defense and you plan on winning the game. Pittman, was his usual hard running self, putting in the yeoman's load of carries against a savage Texas D Line. And then there was Troy Smith:

Troy: "Coach, that's the man, right over there." Tressel: "And what did he say to you, Troy?" Troy: "He said, I was a menace, and that I'm the reason why Teks don't come with holsters." Tressel: "Bastard."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mack Brown's psyche has gotta be all kinds of fucked up after losing his first game in a little under two years and without his Vince Young security blanket. Will Mack revert back to his pre 2005, "I'm gonna choke on every big game I stumble into" or will he lead the Burnt Orange Nation to the BCS (though doubtful Championship game) promised land?

Even with the OSU victory down in Austin all was not well in Big Ten country. No, thanks to losses by Northwestern, Illinois, Penn State and Minnesota the Big Ten's street cred is a little bit weaker than it was after last week; when The Conference went undefeated. Now, with Illinois I can understand the shutout @ Rutgers- I mean, if I'm the Zookster, I'm thrilled that everybody got on and off the bus and had their helmets on. But, seriously, Penn State, Northwestern and Minnesota I want to see all three of you after class.

Penn State @ Notre Dame: I was pretty surprised by the outcome of this one for two things. 1) I'm dumbfounded by the PSU's coaching staff inability to stop the bleeding. I mean, they shit the bed on a routine basis all game long-especially in the first half, when they had the chance to take ND's crowd out of it. 2) Quinnbot 5000 seems to have evolved out of his beta-version and is now a grown man Quinnbot 10000 with Mad Scientist Weiss pushing all the right buttons yesterday. I thought Quinn was gonna be a little rusty for the PSU game and I didn't even consider that PSU's D would be that suspect.

Brady Quinn: After Notre Dame's title run this season, he's planning on forgoing the NFL Draft and finding Sara Connor.

Alphabetical Team Breakdown part 4

The University of Michigan and head coach Lloyd Carr are approaching nearly a decades worth of sitting on laurels and fondly remembering their halycon days of 1997. In fact, Captain Rustbelt, can recall a few disgruntled student-writers, in the pressbox of a 2002 UW-UM game in Ann Arbor, bitching about the Wolverines not having won an outright Big Ten title in a decade... Pfft, losers, U of M fans are sooooo impatient, ever hear about an Illinois fan complaining about a lack of titles? I didn't think so. Still, things as they are, many fans, pundits feel this might be "the year" for Michigan. Well, it won't be.

Michigan has got a jacked up, silent, but, oh, so deadly offense this year. Chad Henne is the prototypical U of M qb who gets better and better each year. See: Brady, T., Navarre, J., Hensen, D., et al for a comparison. Plus, Mario Mannigham and Steve Breaston are incredible talents at wideout, the O-line is solid if not spectacular. The crux of Michigan's offense and their season at large rides on the health of Mike Hart. If Hart stays injury-free, the Wolverines will be riding his talents into a January bowl game-think Outback Bowl more than Rose Bowl.

With Michigan's relatively unknown commodity of an offense, much of the criticisms have been directed at Michigan's defense. Michigan does have an amazing defensive line that is stronger and much more menacing than granite.Arguably this d-line is the best of the Big Ten and is anchored by the twin forces of Alan Branch and LaMarr Woodley; there are few teams who will be having season high rushing days against this unit.

But, when your vulnerable back seven is facing Brady Quinn, Drew Stanton, Drew Tate and Troy Smith in one season there will be many opportunities for bad things to happen. And bad things will happen. Sure Michigan is going to be able to contain one of the aformentioned qbs, Rustbelt feels it will be Drew Stanton, but who knows? Michigan's going 9-3 and will be booking flights to either Orlando or Tampa for the New Year's holiday. Of course this will do little to assuage the venom U of M fans and alumni will be spitting in the direction of Lloyd Carr following another year of losing to Notre Dame and the Ohio Stae University.


"Awwww, raspeberries! Another two losses to the teams I'm not a'sposed to lose to."

Alphabetical Team Breakdown part 3

Alright, with the dregs of Division 1 - Illinois and Indiana, you two may sit down and await further word on your petitioning to be demoted to D1-AA - out of the way, the alphabetical team breakdown moves on to the University of Iowa.


Excuse me, Mr Owl, what does it take to win the Big Ten?



(Captain Rustbelt in a grandfatherly owl-ly voice) Well, that's a good question. Let's find out...

1) Favorable schedule

Yep, the Hawks have got that, circle September 30 and October 21 as the only two games that Iowa forseeably has a chance at blowing. September 30, tOSU comes to Iowa City for a night game... depending on what sorta mental wrasslin' match Tress and Captain Kirk get themselves involved in this game could go either way. Maybe Tress, Troy and Ted will figure out how to play "Catch the Ball and Run Real Fast," and end up embarrassing Iowa's vaguely vulnerable secondary...

Oct. 21 is The Game if the Hawks beat tOSU. @ Michigan Typically, teams go into the Big House and shit the bed before the end of the first quarter. However, Captain Kirk and the gang have an entire system designed around not shitting the bed. Furthermore, the past five years nobody besides SweaterVest has a better record against Lloyd than Kirk. Including the 2002 34-9 Hawkeye contracted demolition in Ann Arbor.

2) Seasoned Beef Jerky Seasoned, veteran quarterbackDoctor: "Son, I'm afraid I have some bad news." Drew Tate: "Bad news?" Doctor: "Yes, Drew, I'm afraid your blood is frozen. It's almost as if your veins are frozen." (Rimshot!) Anyways, senior quarterback, hole-in-one expert and icy blooded assassin of opponents both Big Ten and otherwise is going to be hotter than a Nelly video all year long. Even in a down year for the team in 2005, Mr. Tate improved his TD-INT ratio, drastically. Cutting out seven picks and upping the TDs by +2. Not bad for a fella that was carrying the offense for most of the season. Of course it's a different season and Tate's going to have to rely on steady tight end Scott Chandler and studly running back Albert Young until the young and inexperienced receivers catch up (get it?) with the rest of the offense.

However, if inexperience and youth are the issue you're looking for the defense of Iowa should provide you with the adolescent reminiscence thou seeks. Yep, the Hawkeyes, have fairly huge questions in the secondary and reasonably large questions in the back 7 for a defense that in spite of the two-headed and graduated tackling monster that was Hodge and Greenway still was startlingly underwhelming for most of last season. Basically, Iowa is a less-exciting version of Ohio State. Lots of consistent offense, theoretically and presumably, less explosive than tOSU's theoretical 2006 offensive juggernaut; combined with a lot to replace on the defensive side much like the Buckeyes. Still, Captain Rustbelt feels like Tate and a favorable schedule is going to allow Iowa to win the Big Ten and compete for the National Title in the desert.

Much like young Alec here, Iowa's defense is still in it's infancy.

Friday dose of ODB

For your viewing pleasure ODB crashing the Grammy's. Awesome, oh so very awesome!

Alphabetical Team Breakdown part 2

Alright, pop quiz hotshot! You're Indiana University. Much like the state university to the west of you, uhh, Illinois, you're student body is obsessed with basketball. More than that your campus is overrun with those indie rockers all talking about Secretly Canadian Records and Jason Molina this, Jason Molina that. Your sophomore head coach has been having some "major problems" with his head, to put it mildly. What do you do, what do you do?

It's a grim life for Indiana football fans and players, much like being the prehistoric cement mixing pelican in the Flintstones, you approach football as "Ehh, it's a living." However, there is one brillaint, sublime beam of light shining from the heavens...

Blaring Trumpets!!

JAMES HARDY


Yes, friends James Hardy will be a household name in the Midwest by the end of this year. The 6'7" Fort Wayne, IN. native and freak of nature will be itching to put the burn on more secondaries in his sophomore year. And as it looks now all IU's QB Blake Powers [note, this is easily the best pseudonymn for a comic book action hero ever... somebody tell my secretary to get Marvel on line one] will have to do is lob the ball approx. 50 yards down field and in the general vincinity of James Hardy. Here's the catch, IU has got no running game and a porous O-line with Powers getting sacked 27! times last year. Yes, that was more times than Mr. Powers found the end zone.

More exciting news about Hardy is that he's is-apparently-focusing solely on football after arriving in Bloomington as a two star prospect in football and basketball, you were maybe thinking water polo?

So, yeah, look up Hoosier fans you're gonna have some genetic lotto winner playing catch and run for at least another season before he bolts for the pros! Other than that, well, you've got two gimmes on the schedule but don't get too uppity 'cause you still won't even be sniffing at a bowl eligible record this season.

News comin' atcha

Hardy and girlfriend back on best of terms!

IU wideout James Hardy and his gf are, like, totally back together! So, James, well, he got really mad at her because like, James said, "She was all up in my face." But now they are copacetic and his girl wants him back after explaining that a misdemeanor charge of battery was "a misunderstanding."

So goes the story out of Fort Wayne, IN according to the AP. Hardy's female friend testified at a hearing that the whole thing was "a big misunderstanding." Anywho, Hardy still will face trial for the charges in August, but it seems as though the couple of lovebirds be cool?

Sober PSU student sure has some 'splainin' to do

Oh to be 19, carefree and on the field of Beaver Stadium after the beloved Nittany Lions have vanquished Big Ten rival Ohio State. Yes, it makes a young person want to celebrate in the most acceptable manner for the setting, by tackling and punching a campus cop and then holding the officer in a headlock! Huh? Yep, immediately after last season's 17-10 victory over the Buckeyes amidst a stampede of 2,000 or so other PSU students Nathan Lehman bumrushed campus cop Cyprien Brien, Lehman then punched the officer and held him in "an extended headlock."

Lehman cited being in a "raw emotional state" after a "sour" breakup with his girlfriend and partying in Paternoville for two nights leading up to the game for the inexplicable assault. Lehman is a religious, nondrinking, engineering student (are you reading this Rudy?) who will now have a criminal record.
Far be it for the Captain to ever question a student's reaction following a spirited and crucial Big Ten game BUT my only incident involving campus police and football games was when a campus cop cuffed the Captain after jaywalking along with a mob of other fans exiting Camp Randall. Like our young protagonist Nathan, Rustbelt, was also sober (believe it!) during his encounter with the cop. It went a little differently...

Meanwhile, Lehman has seen his stock skyrocket in the "Most Likely to go Bat fucking Crazy" market.

Samardzija drafted by Chicago Cubs

Pretty sure everyone is aware of this by now but, yes, Notre Dame's uber talented 'Shark' receiver/lheart throb for the ladies/pitcher Jeff Samardzija has been drafted by those hapless Chicago Cubs. Samardzija who is a rather solid pitcher for the Fightin' Irish will be pitching for the Cubbies minor league squad this summer the Boise Hawks. Samardzija who I feel could become the next great white posession receiver of the NFL much in the line of prototypes such as McAffery, Ed, can hurl the heat off the mound at over 90 mph. Plenty more about this story at... The Chicago Sun-Times

tOSU hires new Compliance Director

File this under 'C' for "Closed barn doors after cows got out." But THE Ohio State University has hired a new compliance director-Mr Douglas Archie formerly of the University of Utah. Archie will replace Heather Lyke-Catalano who was relocated elsewhere within tOSU's Ath. Dpt. after not following up on accusations that the foreign kid/reason for in-depth investigation of program, was living for free and getting paid to play bball for the Buckeyes.

If my memory serves me Rome didn't have a compliance director under Nero's rule and that worked out just fine...

Alphabetical Team Breakdown part 1

University of Illinois Fightin' Illini



Take away the headset, now, does this man appear to be in charge of any sideline situation??

Ok, so if you're Illinois life in the Big Ten is all about survival. Yep, no chance of winning any conference games for the second straight year, so simply readjust your outlook and keep telling yourself "This too shall pass." Speaking of passing Tim Brasic, UI's senior QB, returns for another go around and was actually one of the few bright spots in the Illini offense last season. The boy kept his head up in the midst of a nine game losing streak to close out the season, completed more than 60% of his passes and rushed for over 400 yards. The bad news is that he tossed 11 picks to match his 11 touchdowns and that he had no running game period. Things in Champaign were so bad that UW stud Brian Calhoun nearly outgained the Orange's rushing output on his own-dude came up 15 yards short of surpassing Ron Zook's rushing juggernaut.
Then of course there is the matter of the man, the legend, Ron Zook. Great recruiter and a great "diplomat" in terms of campus "crises" involving the football team and fraternities; but don't count on getting to Pasadena (or any other BCS game) with him telling you what to do. With Zook and Illinois it's a great situation in that the fan base of UI is counting down the days 'til basketball season and Zook is more than happy to oblige in passing the time by fielding a clown car of a football unit. The future for the Illini looks slightly brighter in (already) pro potential tailback Rashard Mendenhall, as a frosh he got very little attention or play time but he'll be blowing up against the NCS opponents and startling the bejesus out of unprepared/untested Big Ten linebacking corps. and D-lines. -I'm looking at you Ohio State & Penn State.
Think of Mendenhall as a larger and more aggresive Tyrell Sutton-for now-I'm hedging my bets with U of Illinois but Mendenhall looked good in the few seconds I saw him last year...

I'm sure there's something I could add about their defense and its existence but I've got some scotch to drink.