Alphabetical Team Breakdown part 3

Alright, with the dregs of Division 1 - Illinois and Indiana, you two may sit down and await further word on your petitioning to be demoted to D1-AA - out of the way, the alphabetical team breakdown moves on to the University of Iowa.


Excuse me, Mr Owl, what does it take to win the Big Ten?



(Captain Rustbelt in a grandfatherly owl-ly voice) Well, that's a good question. Let's find out...

1) Favorable schedule

Yep, the Hawks have got that, circle September 30 and October 21 as the only two games that Iowa forseeably has a chance at blowing. September 30, tOSU comes to Iowa City for a night game... depending on what sorta mental wrasslin' match Tress and Captain Kirk get themselves involved in this game could go either way. Maybe Tress, Troy and Ted will figure out how to play "Catch the Ball and Run Real Fast," and end up embarrassing Iowa's vaguely vulnerable secondary...

Oct. 21 is The Game if the Hawks beat tOSU. @ Michigan Typically, teams go into the Big House and shit the bed before the end of the first quarter. However, Captain Kirk and the gang have an entire system designed around not shitting the bed. Furthermore, the past five years nobody besides SweaterVest has a better record against Lloyd than Kirk. Including the 2002 34-9 Hawkeye contracted demolition in Ann Arbor.

2) Seasoned Beef Jerky Seasoned, veteran quarterbackDoctor: "Son, I'm afraid I have some bad news." Drew Tate: "Bad news?" Doctor: "Yes, Drew, I'm afraid your blood is frozen. It's almost as if your veins are frozen." (Rimshot!) Anyways, senior quarterback, hole-in-one expert and icy blooded assassin of opponents both Big Ten and otherwise is going to be hotter than a Nelly video all year long. Even in a down year for the team in 2005, Mr. Tate improved his TD-INT ratio, drastically. Cutting out seven picks and upping the TDs by +2. Not bad for a fella that was carrying the offense for most of the season. Of course it's a different season and Tate's going to have to rely on steady tight end Scott Chandler and studly running back Albert Young until the young and inexperienced receivers catch up (get it?) with the rest of the offense.

However, if inexperience and youth are the issue you're looking for the defense of Iowa should provide you with the adolescent reminiscence thou seeks. Yep, the Hawkeyes, have fairly huge questions in the secondary and reasonably large questions in the back 7 for a defense that in spite of the two-headed and graduated tackling monster that was Hodge and Greenway still was startlingly underwhelming for most of last season. Basically, Iowa is a less-exciting version of Ohio State. Lots of consistent offense, theoretically and presumably, less explosive than tOSU's theoretical 2006 offensive juggernaut; combined with a lot to replace on the defensive side much like the Buckeyes. Still, Captain Rustbelt feels like Tate and a favorable schedule is going to allow Iowa to win the Big Ten and compete for the National Title in the desert.

Much like young Alec here, Iowa's defense is still in it's infancy.

Friday dose of ODB

For your viewing pleasure ODB crashing the Grammy's. Awesome, oh so very awesome!

Alphabetical Team Breakdown part 2

Alright, pop quiz hotshot! You're Indiana University. Much like the state university to the west of you, uhh, Illinois, you're student body is obsessed with basketball. More than that your campus is overrun with those indie rockers all talking about Secretly Canadian Records and Jason Molina this, Jason Molina that. Your sophomore head coach has been having some "major problems" with his head, to put it mildly. What do you do, what do you do?

It's a grim life for Indiana football fans and players, much like being the prehistoric cement mixing pelican in the Flintstones, you approach football as "Ehh, it's a living." However, there is one brillaint, sublime beam of light shining from the heavens...

Blaring Trumpets!!

JAMES HARDY


Yes, friends James Hardy will be a household name in the Midwest by the end of this year. The 6'7" Fort Wayne, IN. native and freak of nature will be itching to put the burn on more secondaries in his sophomore year. And as it looks now all IU's QB Blake Powers [note, this is easily the best pseudonymn for a comic book action hero ever... somebody tell my secretary to get Marvel on line one] will have to do is lob the ball approx. 50 yards down field and in the general vincinity of James Hardy. Here's the catch, IU has got no running game and a porous O-line with Powers getting sacked 27! times last year. Yes, that was more times than Mr. Powers found the end zone.

More exciting news about Hardy is that he's is-apparently-focusing solely on football after arriving in Bloomington as a two star prospect in football and basketball, you were maybe thinking water polo?

So, yeah, look up Hoosier fans you're gonna have some genetic lotto winner playing catch and run for at least another season before he bolts for the pros! Other than that, well, you've got two gimmes on the schedule but don't get too uppity 'cause you still won't even be sniffing at a bowl eligible record this season.

News comin' atcha

Hardy and girlfriend back on best of terms!

IU wideout James Hardy and his gf are, like, totally back together! So, James, well, he got really mad at her because like, James said, "She was all up in my face." But now they are copacetic and his girl wants him back after explaining that a misdemeanor charge of battery was "a misunderstanding."

So goes the story out of Fort Wayne, IN according to the AP. Hardy's female friend testified at a hearing that the whole thing was "a big misunderstanding." Anywho, Hardy still will face trial for the charges in August, but it seems as though the couple of lovebirds be cool?

Sober PSU student sure has some 'splainin' to do

Oh to be 19, carefree and on the field of Beaver Stadium after the beloved Nittany Lions have vanquished Big Ten rival Ohio State. Yes, it makes a young person want to celebrate in the most acceptable manner for the setting, by tackling and punching a campus cop and then holding the officer in a headlock! Huh? Yep, immediately after last season's 17-10 victory over the Buckeyes amidst a stampede of 2,000 or so other PSU students Nathan Lehman bumrushed campus cop Cyprien Brien, Lehman then punched the officer and held him in "an extended headlock."

Lehman cited being in a "raw emotional state" after a "sour" breakup with his girlfriend and partying in Paternoville for two nights leading up to the game for the inexplicable assault. Lehman is a religious, nondrinking, engineering student (are you reading this Rudy?) who will now have a criminal record.
Far be it for the Captain to ever question a student's reaction following a spirited and crucial Big Ten game BUT my only incident involving campus police and football games was when a campus cop cuffed the Captain after jaywalking along with a mob of other fans exiting Camp Randall. Like our young protagonist Nathan, Rustbelt, was also sober (believe it!) during his encounter with the cop. It went a little differently...

Meanwhile, Lehman has seen his stock skyrocket in the "Most Likely to go Bat fucking Crazy" market.

Samardzija drafted by Chicago Cubs

Pretty sure everyone is aware of this by now but, yes, Notre Dame's uber talented 'Shark' receiver/lheart throb for the ladies/pitcher Jeff Samardzija has been drafted by those hapless Chicago Cubs. Samardzija who is a rather solid pitcher for the Fightin' Irish will be pitching for the Cubbies minor league squad this summer the Boise Hawks. Samardzija who I feel could become the next great white posession receiver of the NFL much in the line of prototypes such as McAffery, Ed, can hurl the heat off the mound at over 90 mph. Plenty more about this story at... The Chicago Sun-Times

tOSU hires new Compliance Director

File this under 'C' for "Closed barn doors after cows got out." But THE Ohio State University has hired a new compliance director-Mr Douglas Archie formerly of the University of Utah. Archie will replace Heather Lyke-Catalano who was relocated elsewhere within tOSU's Ath. Dpt. after not following up on accusations that the foreign kid/reason for in-depth investigation of program, was living for free and getting paid to play bball for the Buckeyes.

If my memory serves me Rome didn't have a compliance director under Nero's rule and that worked out just fine...

Alphabetical Team Breakdown part 1

University of Illinois Fightin' Illini



Take away the headset, now, does this man appear to be in charge of any sideline situation??

Ok, so if you're Illinois life in the Big Ten is all about survival. Yep, no chance of winning any conference games for the second straight year, so simply readjust your outlook and keep telling yourself "This too shall pass." Speaking of passing Tim Brasic, UI's senior QB, returns for another go around and was actually one of the few bright spots in the Illini offense last season. The boy kept his head up in the midst of a nine game losing streak to close out the season, completed more than 60% of his passes and rushed for over 400 yards. The bad news is that he tossed 11 picks to match his 11 touchdowns and that he had no running game period. Things in Champaign were so bad that UW stud Brian Calhoun nearly outgained the Orange's rushing output on his own-dude came up 15 yards short of surpassing Ron Zook's rushing juggernaut.
Then of course there is the matter of the man, the legend, Ron Zook. Great recruiter and a great "diplomat" in terms of campus "crises" involving the football team and fraternities; but don't count on getting to Pasadena (or any other BCS game) with him telling you what to do. With Zook and Illinois it's a great situation in that the fan base of UI is counting down the days 'til basketball season and Zook is more than happy to oblige in passing the time by fielding a clown car of a football unit. The future for the Illini looks slightly brighter in (already) pro potential tailback Rashard Mendenhall, as a frosh he got very little attention or play time but he'll be blowing up against the NCS opponents and startling the bejesus out of unprepared/untested Big Ten linebacking corps. and D-lines. -I'm looking at you Ohio State & Penn State.
Think of Mendenhall as a larger and more aggresive Tyrell Sutton-for now-I'm hedging my bets with U of Illinois but Mendenhall looked good in the few seconds I saw him last year...

I'm sure there's something I could add about their defense and its existence but I've got some scotch to drink.

Alphabetical breakdown of teams...

Ok, after an exteneded period of minimal activity the Captain is back. Typically with this blogging thing digression is the name of the game and the oh so patient few get more bored and more disenchanted with the Internet and me specifically. Well, I'm gonna try and change that, we'll see how it goes.

Anyway we are only a scant (and not approximate) two months away from the most wonderful time of the year... and with the summer days getting longer (and typically drunker) that leaves us at the Express little time to dawdle on predictions, previews, non sequiturs and non-sensical digressions.

Coming next week an alphabetical breakdown of the teams of the Big Ten. Until then here's some more Ol' Dirty Bastard for y'all.



ODB: Now more than ever!

News from around the country...

Oregon and Oregon State to face off on day after Thanksgiving




Yep, the ol' Civil War is gonna be reenacted the day after Turkey Day, one of the most primo days of the year for C F B. I believe the kick off is at 12:30 and Fox is carrying it. (Man, that's weird that Fox is broadcasting the C F B, also, really a 12:30 EST kickoff? Man, that sucks for the kids in Corvalis/Eugene who went out HARD on Thursday night.) Personally, this should be the late night option for EST post-Egg Bowl.

Hardy court date set

James Hardy, Indiana's superstar wide out or tall out? Dude's 6'7"! is going to go to court and tell his side of the story as to how his gf in Fort Wayne had red marks on her neck and why she was dialing the PO-Lice. I'm goin' out on a limb but maybe he just has got a lil' Ike in him?


According to Hardy he shoved his girlfriend after she "got into his face." No, that's the same thing I tell the cops when I'm 6'7" and my main bitch is all up in my grill. Conveniently enough the court date is only a eight days away from IU's season opener against -directional-Michicagn University, not sure of the big deal but his attorneys were bugged about that date...


Northern Illnois to host Iowa at Soldier Field in 2007

In this mornings Sun-Times the good news!

I mean it's not Notre Dame-Iowa or some sort of balls out Kickoff Challenge twixt USC-VaTech from a few years ago, but for Chicago and College Football this is a step in the right direction. And it's not like Joe Novak had anything to lose...

2.84 million? That's a lot of pork, err, corn err Porn?

Yesterday, Friday as you and I might call it, Kirk Ferentz got one hell of a raise. Captain Kirk got himself a boost of 1.44 million dollars for the rest of his contract which expires in 2012. Curiously Iowa's Head Coach did not get a contract extension which leads one to wonder if he's going to have some high demands (read robot sentries patrolling the red zone, having a county in Iowa named after him) in 2012. In the meantime I can only assume that Kirk is gonna be buying lots of pork, corn, porn, pimped out International Harvesters and magnums of Moet to compete with Tress's HoverCraft over in C-bus.



Now picture this motha f*cka wit some 20s and a dvd and 50" plasma in da back




Incidentally, Tressinator got himself a pretty penny last month. Yep, "the Coach who'll eventually cost Lloyd his job," got himself a raise up to 2.4 mill. a year and a handsome 7 year contract extension. If you wanted to start with job security you could do worse than beating your arch rival 4/5 times, winning a national title and going to three BCS games granted all 3 have been in Tempe.

Word around the campfire is that Tress and Ferentz with their newly found super wealth powers will be starting a crime fighting duo that focuses largely on tormenting Lloyd when the two won't be out and saving the day. Meanwhile, back in Mordor, err, Hell, err Ann Arbor Lloyd is stroking his cat, Mr. Fudgesicle whilst sitting in a leather chair, sipping port in front of a fire place and plotting a takeover of the Big Ten involving punts, conservative play calling and blowing 4th quarter leads thanks to punting and well, conservative play calling.